Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 18 - Something I Regret

Whoo-boy! I do have quite a few regrets, but overall, I think those silly, stupid things I did when I was younger helped me become the person I am today. And, I know I will continue to do stupid things, and hopefully learn from those as well.

But, as soon as I knew this was coming up, one regret came to mind. And it actually has to do with a person.

Many, many years ago I became friends with a really cool guy from church, Jade. We actually clicked as friends immediately, and we hung out a lot. So much so, that people thought he and I were dating! But no, we weren't. We actually had this conversation where we discussed how much we loved each other and how cool we thought the other person was, but were in no way attracted to each other. I remember we were having dinner at Outback Steakhouse while having this conversation. *LOL* He actually had one really good girl friend that he hung out with a lot as well, that I actually think she liked him and while not necessarily jealous of me, I think maybe she didn't like that he and I hung out so much.

Jade was an artist, a musician, a free spirit, a little bit of what some would think an oddball -- definitely not one to fit any mold I ever knew of. He was cool, and funny, intelligent, had such a sweet spirit and really got people. He had a great ability to ferret out what someone was thinking or feeling and be able to help them.

I remember once, I'd had some really bad news (about my father) and was struggling with it, and struggled through church, went home, and decided I really needed someone to talk to. You'd think I would have gone to my best friend's, but no, I went to his place (which he shared with roomies). I think that was the first and last time I have ever gone over to somebody's house unannounced (I usually at least call). He welcomed me in with open arms, and then I saw that this girl that I mentioned before was there -- they were cooking dinner. He had me sit on the couch while they finished making dinner, and then he and I could talk, he said. I was so emotionally exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch. (And, if you know me, I HAD to be tired, because I can barely fall asleep in a different bed, let alone someone else's couch.) He was such a good friend.

I had introduced him to Jennifer, and we all three hung out a lot more. She really liked him, and we had so much fun together. Unfortunately, Jade had to move back to Idaho to be with his mom (long story), and I was so sad to see him go. We kept up some through e-mail -- he wasn't the best e-mailer -- and sometimes on the phone (I didn't have a cell phone then, and long distance could be expensive).

Sometime later, maybe about a year, or so, he was coming back for a visit, and of course Jenn and I had him stay at our place. But something had changed.

Things seemed awkward and not quite right. Our conversations were a little too forced, or not quite as they had been before. And, yes, most of the time it was all three of us together. But, for some reason, we didn't address it. Was it because we didn't acknowledge it? Because he didn't see it? Because Jennifer was there?

After he left, Jennifer said that he had changed, that he wasn't the same person, and I agreed at the time. Jade and I didn't really talk after that.

And my regret is that I let that friendship go. Because I think I realize what happened so many years ago. While Jennifer was correct, I think, in saying that he had changed and that he wasn't the same, we both approached it as a bad thing. But the truth is, I think he had probably changed for the better. We hadn't talked about what had been going on with his mom, but I think it somewhat softened that free spirit of his, to make him realize what was truly important. I think he had grown more spiritual and in touch with a deeper connection to God and himself, and I (and I won't say Jennifer, because she did not share our beliefs) wasn't in THAT place at the time. I was just sort of floating through life, having fun and not really trying to really dig into those things that I believe now (that is also a very long story that only Brian knows most about, besides Jennifer, who passed away almost a year ago).

And I think that he didn't know how to tell me that Jennifer wasn't the best influence on me, how I could strive for the best things in my life and not come down to a baser level. I think he had new dreams and aspirations to share with me, and I wasn't receptive.

Oh, I know with him moving away our friendship wouldn't have been exactly the same, but this weird breaking off, I mostly fault myself for it. For not being able to see, to be aware, to understand what he needed then.

I found him on Facebook and sent him a Friend request with an apologetic note attached, but he never responded. Whether it wasn't the right person, or he doesn't really get on FB, or worse, he didn't want to have anything to do with me, well, I can understand that.

That is something I regret.

I am sorry, Jade. I truly am.


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