On Friendships

I have been meaning to write a post about friendships for some time now, but something kept holding me back. I had felt that it was because I didn't know quite all I wanted to say, or that I wanted to make sure I got my point across. And then something happened. I think I was being held off for this reason.

As some of you know, last week, my friend Jennifer passed away.

You may remember me talking a lot about her in my previous blog, for many years. Especially the disintegration of hers and my friendship. The truth is, I only mentioned brief facts. I completely acknowledged having contributed myself to the breakup, if you will. I had not spoken to her for about 4 1/2 years, but I still thought of her often, and still loved her. And yes, part of me still considered her a friend.

Apparently, over the last few years, she had undergone two back surgeries (the second, more recent, to correct the first), and had also recently had a staph infection. According to the person who contacted me (our then-mutual friend, Russell), she was in unbelievable amounts of pain and no one seemed to be able to help (she was in between pain management doctors at the time of her passing). Her husband came home on May 3, to find her.

It's so strange to think of Jennifer as being no longer on this earth. She and I were best friends for 15 years. 15! I had met her in high school, and we had been through many things.

I went to the wake on Thursday, and the funeral on Friday. Yes, I was sad, but also glad to see that her family was glad that I was there, that Jennifer would have wanted to see me. But I didn't finally break down and have a good cry until Sunday (during church). Now, yes, there is still a small sadness, but I also know that she is in a better place, no longer in pain, with loved ones that have gone on before. I do grieve for her 5-year-old daughter, Abby, though. I only knew her as a baby. She is now almost 5. And she's gorgeous. One day, I hope to share all I remember of Jennifer with her.

Which leads me into the subject of friendships. I'll be honest, my friendship with Jennifer probably wasn't the healthiest. I was passive; she was aggressive. We almost always went where she wanted to go. The Drama of her life always affected me. She was also bipolar. And codependent. But she did have a big heart. I firmly believe that our friendship had not grown up as we had. We were still in a teenage friendship, not allowing much room for growth into adults and our own lives, while still retaining our friendship. Well, at least, Jennifer didn't. I think I tried, but always got pulled back to the way it was. And, really, that's the way it was. I didn't know any differently.

Until a few people along my way, who were able to manage their way into my life, showed me other aspects of friendship. Even if I was not always the friend I could have been.

I think that I may have been stunted on an friendship level, not knowing how to function because I had been in a certain relationship so long, that I didn't know what to do when new people entered my life. Oh, perhaps that sounds a little overdramatic, and it might be, but I wonder this because of the hard time it seems that I have at making meaningful, lasting, great friendships now.

Don't get me wrong, Brian is my best friend. Hands down. But as much as I love the fact that he gets me, and that he showed me true friendship when I really needed it, I still wish for other connections. Doesn't everybody? That need to feel accepted and loved, cherished and wanted? I want other people to get me, to truly understand me, to know who I really am.

And over the last few years, I have formed this statement to kind of indicate my feelings about this: "Everybody likes me, but no one wants to be my friend."

Oh, goodness, but that one's VERY melodramatic. But at times, I feel it's true. I get a lot of compliments about me, which indicates a level of liking, but it never goes far beyond that to truly delve into a potential friendship.

Or, there are those people that I meet that I am amazed at, that I instantly seem to have a connection with, that I seem to have SO many things in common with, that, as I try to build a friendship, getting to know them, aspects of their life and their other friends, that I realize ... this person doesn't need me. That I don't fit into any empty hole in their life that isn't already filled by someone like me. Boy, is that disconcerting! We all like to feel unique, but it's kinda hard to realize that there are others very much like you. AND, they met this person first. So what do I do? I try ... but wonder why I should do all the trying? So it slips away, and you're sad ... and you are somewhat grateful because the friendship wasn't that firmly rooted to begin with, so it's easier to kinda let go. But part of you tells yourself (to feel better, of course), that there is something unique and special about you, and BOO on that person that didn't take enough time to really delve.

*sigh* But it still makes me sad.

I wonder if part of the problem is that, as an adult, friendships with other adults, with their hectic, busy lives, is really possible? Are we doomed to only have acquaintances in this stage of our live? Granted, some can be good, but deep, lasing, adult friendships? Where there's someone that can be there for you and your family, through good and bad times, and vice versa? Are only really good friendships formed as a youth? But I can't really believe that! My mother's best friends that she talks about (one has since passed away) she made as a married adult, with children!

So then, I have to wonder: Is it me? Maybe it is. And being married doesn't seem to help the situation. Seems that now, if you want to have friends, you have to be friends with other married couples. I guess, because it's harder to become friends with singles, unless you knew them back in the day.

And I have to admit, those are the small handful of people I am really good friends with, those people that I met when I was younger.

But you know, now I'm thinking ... about levels of friendships. And definitions. What is a friend, really? On a basic level, it's someone that we know, or have known, on a regular basis. Sure, on that level, I have lots of friends. Some might call them acquaintances. Someone we care for? Okay, that's another level. Good friends, I suppose. How about someone with whom we share deeper connections and know aspects of our lives? I guess that would be the great friends. To me a great friend is one that you can talk to, and even though it has maybe been weeks or even months since you last talked, you can pick up right where you left off (something Jennifer had a hard time with, seeing as if I didn't call her about once every few days it meant something terrible), it's someone you can really share your feelings with and they understand or at least just listen, even if they don't feel the same way, and it's someone that wants you to be around them and their other friends, and someone who truly feels like they can pick up the phone and ask for a favor that might seem imposing, but truly, I am so grateful they feel that way about me, that they really can rely on me.

But, is it too much work, to make new ones? I have to tell you, I despise the "let's get together sometime" line, without even a hint of followup. Finding out what a schedule's like, or going ahead and planning a date for later in the future (to ensure everyone will be free)? Not long after I got married, a lot of my single friends/acquaintances stopped inviting me to things like dinner, or the movies. And then they wondered why I didn't see much of them anymore. I told them, that if they invited me, I would most likely come. I just needed that invitation. (Because, I'll be honest, after we got married, most of our going out was date nights for jut the two of us.) Very few followed up on that, and they became less and less frequent. Or, maybe it was just a good excuse to let the friendship go (such as it was).

Okay, so I think now I'm starting to ramble. But the truth is, all these things (and more) about friendships have been on my mind.

I guess it comes back to my earlier statement. If you like me, why don't you want to be my friend?

One of my goals for the year, was to try and be a better friend myself. Maybe if I was a better friend, then it would come back around? But, I don't know, I've always felt that I was a good friend. But then, maybe I don't know differently! Hah. I still am trying, though. But, like anyone else, things do get in the way of that phone call, the letter, the card to say hello. Or maybe I should try harder, without expectations.

But, while I have seen one friendship sorta slip away this year (so far), I have seen some reforged stronger and more meaningful, and for that I am grateful.

And maybe most of us are just meant to have those few great friends, that small handful that really gets us. Because maybe that's all we need. And truth is, I'd rather have that small, awesome, constant handful of friends, rather than a lot of brief, shallow, unexpectant acquaintances. I just want to make sure I don't miss any of those great ones along my path of life. There's always room for a few more. But do they have room for me?